Who am I?

I ask,
& you tell me:
I’m your oldest & dearest friend,
I’m a reader, a singer, & a mathematician.

When I wake in the night,
(disoriented, drenched in sweat)
you’re there to hold me,
reminding me that you’re here,
& remind me that it’s over, it’s over, it’s over—

In these moments,
when I’m running (wildly) lost along a dirt road,
you call my name,
drawing me back onto the correct gravel path,
drawing me back into myself:
You’re the guiding lamp leading me home.

As I follow your words—
the bobbing light in front of me—
I come back to myself:

I am Jude St. Francis.
I am your boyfriend.
I was treated horribly & came out on the other end.
Most importantly, I was always me.

If I am Jude, then…
Who are you?
I ask,
& you tell me:

I am Willem Ragnarrson
& I will never let you go.

M.B.B.
10/4/2020 (edited & expanded upon 10/5)

Notes: This is one of my favorite scenes from A Little Life. When Jude, who is plagued by nightmares, wakes up disoriented, he “wakes so far from himself that he can’t remember who he is.” Willem, his boyfriend, chants “him back to himself.” (Pgs. 607-608, Kindle version.) The italicized lines are either directly from this scene, or paraphrased slightly to fit the poem. As always, thanks for reading!

Fates and Furies

Every story has two sides. Every relationship has two perspectives.

Lotto and Mathilde get married at twenty-two years old. As a young couple, they move from the honeymoon period into co-existing with each other, to almost breaking their marriage. As the years change and test their life together, Lotto (Lancelot) and Mathilde stay together, weathering rough patches in their relationship, betrayals of trust, and months of absences from one another.

Continue reading “Fates and Furies”

The Starless Sea

Bee, key, sword.

Erin Morgenstern’s second novel cannot specifically be defined as one genre. The Starless Sea is many things: a mystery, an adventure, a multi-faceted love story, and above all, a world within a world. Each vignette from various books brings you closer to the characters, who are less random and more real than you originally think.

When Zachary Ezra Rawlins finds a book with a piece of his childhood written exactly as he remembers it in the campus library, he’s stunned. He re-reads the collection of short stories over and over, but nothing of his own story comes up. Sweet Sorrows enthralls Zachary, compelling him to take the book with him everywhere, including a gathering with fellow students.

Continue reading “The Starless Sea”

Symptoms of Being Human

Riley Cavanaugh is your typical rebellious teen: Riley likes to wear Doc Martins, Dad’s old Ramones shirt, and has an ambiguous haircut. Trying to fit into a box isn’t Riley’s thing, especially when it comes to gender. Because Riley is gender-fluid. 

Continue reading “Symptoms of Being Human”

By Chance Alone

Max grew up during the ’30s and ’40s. As a child, he loved spending time with his grandparents, his aunt and uncle, and his immediate family all under one large roof. When Hitler came to power, Max’s life rapidly changed. As a Hungarian Jew, he and his family members were targeted and witnessed the horrors of the Holocaust.

Now, as a Holocaust survivor, Max’s testimony to the atrocities at Auschwitz reminds fellow survivors and listeners alike that it’s important to never forget such a terrible time in history.

Continue reading “By Chance Alone”

Blue October’s Livestream Concert, Pt. 1

left to right: Ryan, Will, Justin, Jeremy, & Matt.

Last night, my sister and I popped some popcorn, grabbed my computer, and set up Blue October’s livestream concert. (I purchased a ticket earlier that day. The ticket I purchased allows me to view their concert again, which helped because I worked until 10 last night.)

Continue reading “Blue October’s Livestream Concert, Pt. 1”

#Imgratefulfor

Here are three things I’m grateful for in my life right now:

  1. my amazing family
  2. my good friends & my boyfriend
  3. my sweet Golden-girl Retrievers Bentley & Charlie

My family has helped pump me up when I’m down, has encouraged me to be myself & believed in my writing skills & my passion for books since I was a little girl.

My close friends & my boyfriend are a great source of entertainment. We’re all on the same page, & I’ve recently become closer to my boyfriend’s friends. We support & help each other when difficulties arise, & like to hang out on Discord together.

My dogs love me up & help me stay active. They love to be by our small pack, & keep me busy as well.

What are three things you’re grateful for right now?

Airbending

Bending the air while doing breathing exercises is a struggle:
If I can bend the other three elements so well,
why can’t I airbend?

Listening & seeing trouble ahead is a big problem for me:
I bend before I speak,
using my muscles before I think (sometimes)
I know I’m young & brash,
but that’s just who I am right now.

Tenzin says I have to listen & then weigh my options,
which is a gift given to too few people.
He says I need to flow like the wind, move like the air—
I’ll figure it out someday,
I’ll learn to move with the wind at my side,
tangoing with the air.

M.B.B.
8/2/10
(modified & edited 7/18/2020)

And when you think how much she struggled to learn how to airbend ...
Airbending | Korra | Legend of Korra | Avatar | (gif) | Avatar ...

Reichenbach Fall

If only everyone could successfully fake their own death,
just like Sherlock does in “The Reichenbach Fall,”
we wouldn’t have to worry about dying.

The pavement would be splattered with fake Halloween blood,
& your tears would mirror my tears of poorly-timed laughter.

If only I hadn’t watched Requiem for a Dream—
the seedy drug underbelly filling my mind—
if only I hadn’t thought I could subject myself to dark narratives,
but my head whispered to me, “You can handle it.
You’re already full of dark thoughts, go for it.”

Now, I press my head against to metal of my lofted bed & sob.
I’m still childish in freshly grown adult skin,
& need to find ways to put on my adult suit & dress slacks.

My favorite kinds of characters have always suffered:
Sherlock, Jude St. Francis—
That’s why I’m drawn to Sherlock, to Jude.
They pretend to be removed from their emotions,
from their humanity,
but they are actually becoming more human every day,
thanks to John & to Willem.

I miss you, my friends.
Know that I am well
& trying my best to stay afloat in this new sea.
I wish you weren’t gone.
Let’s have dinner sometime.

M.B.B.
9/17/13
(edited 7/17/2020)

Please note: This is an old poem from college. It doesn’t reflect my current mood or state of mind. I’m doing so much better! I do, however, appreciate how far I’ve come in my mental state & the time capsule it represents. (I still am drawn to Sherlock & Jude St. Francis, though.) I do not think that we should fake our own deaths. It’s cruel & unnecessary to our loved ones. I’ve spruced up this poem, because it’s old & needed to be dusted off.