What are three objects you couldn’t live without?

My phone

If I’m being completely honest here, I can’t go anywhere without my phone. As someone who grew up with a landline, and did not want a cellphone as a young teen–I know, so weird now–I didn’t know how fortunate I’d be to have a cellular device. There have been way too many times that having a phone on me at all times has helped me get in touch with information and friends/family when I needed them the most.

2. Hanya Yanagihara’s A Little Life

Her second novel is like buried treasure to me. It’s hopeful, tragic, and equivocally raw with emotion. I love her characters so, so much.

3. My fidget cube

Oh how I could have used this when I was younger! Because I have bad habits like skin picking, and spinning/playing a couple of the many rings I wear on my fingers, it’s hard for me at times to just keep my hands still. This helps me fidget in a way that isn’t disruptive or harmful.

Thanks for reading!

30 Amazing Things about entering your 30s!

Happiness is Relative

On my personal Instagram account, I re-posted an infographic to my Insta story. The infographic gave examples of what it can feel like when you’re experiencing symptoms of depression.

Abbie, my loving sister, almost immediately sent me a private message, asking if I was “doing okay” or if the information I had just posted was just general information.

Quickly, I told her that yes, I was just posting the infographic was just “general information” and not a warning flag.

Once upon a time, I sincerely thought that my depression would just go away. As a teenager, I first experienced early onset of anxiety: I would worry irrationally that my Mom and Dad would leave the house, without first telling me where they were going. (This was before even early cellphones, before you could just pick up your portable device and call or text your family. Before you could track–on an iPhone, for example, your loved one’s whereabouts. All we had was a landline, a phone that was attached to the wall and could certainly not be taken with you when you leave the house.)

This would never, ever happen of course. Still, I kept worrying about the adults in my life disappearing and would follow my Dad downstairs to the basement, where we have our laundry room.

Because my parents hadn’t experienced this before, they didn’t know exactly how to react. My anxiety started when I was about 11 or 12. My little sister was around 5 or 6 at the time. Also during this time period I was beginning to show early signs of depression. It wasn’t serious yet, but over time, my depression would grow into a fiend that would randomly apparate in my mind, regardless of whether I was with friends/family or alone.

As a teenager, my anxiety and depression only got worse. I finally told my parents what I was feeling, and why. With medications, exercise, and therapy, I am doing so much better! I am once again exited about life. I’m surrounded and blessed with a wonderful family, an amazing fiancé, and friends I wouldn’t trade–even if I was offered a gazillion dollars.

30 amazing things about being in your 30s

I’m the daughter of not one, not two, but three teachers: my mom, who taught Kindergarten for many, many years (officially retired); my dad who went back to teaching (after a year of retirement) & is now at the new high school in our town; & my “Little-Big” sister, who is already wrapping up her second year of teaching 5th grade!
My family, close friends, fiancé & my Golden Retriever Charlie-girl all keep me grounded & are sources of incredible support. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
After needing intestinal surgery in March of 2021, I am grateful for my good health
I am forever grateful for the COVID-19 vaccine!
I’ve officially entered my 3rd decade of life! While this might seem scary to some people, I’m proud of having made it this far
There’s never a moment where I think, Self, you have ENOUGH books. (There’s always more books to be read, books to be discovered, & books to be re-read, let me tell you)
I will get to see BLUE OCTOBER OPEN FOR THE GOO GOO DOLLS at RED ROCKS!! [circa July 27th, 2022]
My entire family are fully vaccinated & boosted!
More people are getting vaccinated!
I’m engaged to the love of my life, Rory [since January 2021]
Everyone I love & care about are doing well & staying healthy
Shows I’m excited for: the third season of The Umbrella Academy, season 2 of Heartstopper, more of The Witcher, more of Disenchantment, & I really, really want a TV show of A Little Life
There can never be enough cute puppy/baby videos on YouTube
Rammstein released a new album, Zeit. It’s wonderful
I bought new yarn & am gonna start (finally) making a scarf for my good friend Alex Hoyt.
Yesterday, I got a haircut & went with a cute bob.
It’s always nice to see people that I know personally or just from seeing them go through my check-out lane so often at work. (I cashier at Target.)
I started reading Mary Jane by Jessica Anya Blau. It’s good so far!
I’m going to go see Rory this coming weekend! I’m very excited.
Family time is important to me. I try to hang out with my parents and sister more, & I’m still working on this, to be honest.
The weather is getting nicer!
I’ve got plenty of books to read, card games to play, & a new novel to write.
I love seeing Charlie girl grow up. She’s the sweetest puppy!
It’s now T-shirt & shorts weather! Whooo!
Spring cleaning is a thing. That reminds me, I need to clean my desk. Again. *laughs*
Driving places is more fun, because you can see all the greenery.
Heartstopper is on Netflix!!
I seriously just started listening to more of Panic! At the Disco and can’t get enough of “Death of a Bachelor”
Still a Whovian, all these years later
All in all, I’m having a grat tim (great time) being 31!

The Golden Standard

Dear Bentley,

I’ll never forget the day you came home for the first time. You were in a kennel; Bogan warily circled around the boxy object in the middle of our tiny kitchen. When you were let out, Boggie and you wagged tails and each got a sniff of each other.

I was in high school. Abbie was in elementary school. It was her first time on a plane.

The Golden Compass (His Dark Materials # 1)

I read this for the first time back in high school. The second time through was recent for me. I tore through this first installment fairly quickly, because it’s just as engrossing and well-written as the first time I read it.

I was once warned by my pastor Grandpa not to read Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials because his novels “go against God.” I felt bad back then–for I had read The Golden Compass–but my Dad later reassured me that it was okay.

I’ve read many fantasy books that feature gods and goddesses, religions different and similar to my own beliefs. Why was Pullman’s work more dangerous than the morals of, say, Harry Potter or A Song of Ice and Fire?

9/11

I was only 10 years old when 9/11 happened.

It started just like any other day: I got up, ate breakfast, and went to my elementary school. But when I got to my classroom, something was noticeably different: the TV was on. Something terrible was happening, something I didn’t quite fully grasp, but knew it was very bad.

My parents are teachers. My mom has taught Kindergarten for many years and is now happily retired. My dad, even though he retired four years ago, is still teaching high school history. I remember worrying about my dad having to be drafted, and worried that he would be sent off to fight in a war. While I knew about the draft, I didn’t know that my dad was considered too old.

I never thought to voice my concerns about Dad being sent off to war, not until I was much older.

20 years later, at age 30, I am still learning about 9/11 and all the horrible things that happened that day. But I am also learning about the kindness, unity, and bravery from that day as well.

I am blown away by the heroic acts of bravery from firefighters, police, and ordinary people. Watching the segment about 9/11, I broke down and sobbed–suddenly hit by a touching story of a couple who had lost their son in the towers, and how they stopped to pet some therapy dogs. The owner of one of the therapy dogs asked if she could name her next dog after their son. This hit me particularly hard.

The strength and kindness from complete strangers in that segment awed me. The unity that I heard of seemed like a distant dream compared to the disconnect that is currently ongoing in our country.

Seeing the 9/11 memorial made me realize just how big those towers were, and seeing the names–letters that you can touch and place flowers in–makes me think of the importance of tangibility. The flowing water made me feel at peace.

My heart goes out to the families who lost loved ones on this day.

Darius the Great Deserves Better

Intro.

Darius’ life has changed since visiting his grandparents in Iran:

He’s part of the varsity soccer team
Darius has a great internship at a tea shop going for him
Sohrab is only a Skype call away
Darius and his dad are connecting again
Landon is Darius’ first boyfriend!

Darius still has depression, but he’s doing much better. He finally feels like he’s supposed to be Darius Kellner.

But just as everything seems to have fallen into place, just as he’s sure that he’s got everything he could ever want, little things start to fall apart:

Sohrab isn’t answering his Skype calls
Dad goes away on a business trip
Darius grandmothers come to visit, but he’s not sure they even really like him. (It’s just so hard to tell)
He’s sure he likes Landon, he really does, but then he starts hanging out with his former bully Chip Cusumano, & now he’s not so sure about anything anymore

Thoughts on Darius the Great Deserves Better

This is one of my favorite YA books series. I loved the first book, Darius the Great is Not Okay, and recommend it to anyone who has ever wondered what it’s like to have depression. Or, if you’re like me, and live with depression, it’s nice to see depression accurately depicted through the eyes of a teenager.

Darius is one of my favorite characters. He’s funny, smart, nerdy, and just wants to live his best life. He sounds like a real, normal teenager. (Writing good characters is tricky, but Adib Khorram pulls this off effortlessly. He makes writing seem easy, which is a sign that he’s a good writer.)

In this companion to Darius the Great is Not Okay, Darius’ life is finally looking up. As I’ve mentioned earlier, he’s got a lot going for him: a good job that he loves, he’s reconnecting with his dad, and he has found a niche at school where he feels comfortable being himself. He has a first boyfriend, Landon, and stays in touch with his good friend Sohrab regularly. But as the school-year progresses, he starts to question whether he’s really has everything he really wants.

I personally really enjoyed the character development in this. I liked the addition of Darius’ grandmothers, and the dynamic of him having to balance having a boyfriend and discovering that he maybe likes Chip instead. (This is actually a good thing, because Landon begins to pressure Darius, wanting to have sex with him when Darius isn’t so sure he wants to connect like that with Landon.)

This was another emotional rollercoaster, one that I would definitely ride again. I’m really hoping that there will be a third book in the wings.

Thanks for reading,
Meghan B.

Get Well Soon: My Recent Hospital Stay

Update!

Get Well Soon: My Recent Hospital Stay

March 17th: I’m admitted to the hospital due to a bowel blockage
March 19th: I undergo surgery.
March 20th – 23rd: recovery from my surgery.
March 24th – 25th: home/running around doing things like getting a COVID shot & a haircut.
March 25th – 27th: back in the hospital for inflammation/vomiting.
March 27th – April 1st: home again! I’m able to eat real food & not get sick!

March 17th, 2021

I knew something was wrong while I was eating supper with my parents: I felt a slight pain in my lower abdomen. I also didn’t feel very good while eating, either. Hours later, I lay awake in my bed, feeling nauseous. Finally, after going to the bathroom several times and not throwing up, I did. The pain in my intestines didn’t go away, either.

My mom and I briefly debated on who to call, then called the ER. They said I should come in. After some X-rays and blood draws, we had an answer: I had a bowel blockage.

This was not the first time I’d had a blockage: In my twenties, I had my first issue with my intestines. Thankfully, it resolved itself. But now, just 17 days after my 30th birthday, I was having the same problem.

I was admitted around 4-4:30 AM, after getting an NG tube put in. If you’ve never had an NG tube, let me tell you, it’s not a pleasant experience. You know the gagging sensation you get from moving a toothbrush too far down your throat? It’s like that, only it’s a tube going through your nose and down into your throat to your stomach.

I threw up when they put it in, because you have to swallow the tube that your body is vehemently trying to reject.

I actually had to have a second NG tube put in, several days later, because the first one had something wonky going on with it. So, I’ve survived not one but two tubes down my nose and throat.

March 19th, 2021

Two days later–it feels much longer in my memory–I was being prepped for surgery. I took a shower for the first time in several days, cleaning myself up, but not shaving anything, before my surgery. I had my first ever COVID test, which to my nurse’s credit, I barely felt. Thankfully, it came back negative.

Every nurse and doctor I’ve encountered in the hospital were kind, understanding, and helpful. It didn’t matter if it was 2 AM or 2 PM, everyone I came in contact with were extremely kind and willing to help. It’s made me realize that being a nurse or a doctor is more than just helping people, it’s about treating people who are going through a rough time with the same level of respect and kindness–night or day. Everyone I met treated their job like it wasn’t just a job: I felt like I truly mattered to those nurses and doctors, that my predicament was looked at with care, just like any other patient in the hospital at that time. It’s about treating people with humility when they need it the most. It’s about making sure that people are comfortable when they are uncomfortable or in pain.

I’ve had a major surgery before, back when I was 14 ounces and a month old. I had surgery to correct the necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) that was harming my intestines.

What causes NEC?

The best explanation is some kind of injury to the inside lining of the intestine that then allows bacteria to travel from inside the intestine into the bloodstream.
http://www.necsociety.org

The treatment for NEC is as follows, which ultimately lead to my surgery to remove the dead intestine:

Standard treatment for NEC is to stop all feedings, place a large tube through the mouth into the stomach to keep the stomach empty, start antibiotics, and check x-rays of the abdomen at regular intervals. If the baby has signs that the intestine is severely injured, surgery is necessary to remove the dead portion of the intestine. In severe cases, the entire intestine may be dead and when that happens the chance of the baby surviving is very low.
http://www.necsociety.org

The surgeon who preformed my NEC surgery on me basically said, “If the baby lives,” meaning that I had a very low chance of surviving the surgery. I was extremely lucky, thanks in part to a shunt put into the back of my head. I also had incredible doctors and nurses to look out for tiny me.

Now, at 30, I was going to remember (to some extent) this particular surgery. It was a little nerve-wracking, but I didn’t feel scared. I was prepped for surgery, signed papers, then taken down to the waiting area where a kind nurse visited with me. We talked about Togo, the original hero to deliver the medicine partway to the sick children of Nome. We watched some YouTube videos on it, and even the trailer before I was able to go into surgery.

I honestly didn’t mind waiting. I had learned to be patient by then in the hospital. I mean, what else did I have to do?

I remember being moved onto the surgery table, and placing my arms on either sides of the table on little arm-rest thingies. It was about 3:30 PM when I looked at the clock. The last thing I remember was looking up at the bright operating lights.

March 20th – March 23rd, 2021

The next four days were spent recovering from my surgery. I finally got my NG tube out my my nose and throat on Monday, the 22nd. It was a happy day, because that meant that I could try to drink liquids, which I hadn’t really had, for about 6 days. I’d had fluids from the IV in my hand, but only a few swallows of water when I took my meds every day.

When I got to drink grape juice, it tasted better than any juice I’d ever had. The food I got to eat later on that night was delicious–soup, toast, easy things like that–but I deleted it from my phone. So, unfortunately, I don’t have the pictures anymore.

I was discharged around noon on March 23rd. After spending a week in the hospital, I was kind of used to staying there. I was excited nonetheless to go home. I got to eat lunch, then was wheeled downstairs while Mom got the car.

I got to hold my balloon and my flowers from my grandparents.

Mom ended up needing to go back to the hospital, because we’d forgotten my meds and my jacket. I just chilled in a chair reading/looking at my phone/petting Bentley and Charlie while I waited for her to return.

I also got some more flowers from one of my mom’s friends.

I was finally home! It felt great to be back in my own bed, although I didn’t mind the hospital beds.

I wasn’t quite done with going to the hospital.

After getting the first part of my COVID shot, and getting a haircut, I was struggling to keep anything down. I’d eat something easy, like beef bouillon, and then a few hours later I’d have thrown it all up.

We went back to the hospital on March 25th. I was admitted again, because there was some inflammation happening in my intestine. It could’ve been due to the COVID shot affecting my body, my surgeon later told us.

So, I stayed in the hospital for about two days, then went home again.

I still haven’t watched the latest Blue October show, but I plan to do so soon.

After a visit with my surgeon, Mom and I were reassured that the healing of my intestine would take time. I just needed to make sure I stayed hydrated, and if I didn’t eat for a while, that was okay.

Thankfully, my body has slowly reverted back to normal. I’m able to eat actual food and keep everything down. This has only happened a few days ago–Murphy’s law–shortly after visiting my surgeon on Monday.

I’ve had a very eventful birthday month to be sure. I didn’t expect that any of this would happen, but I don’t mind the extra time I get to stay home and recover.

I’m looking forward to finishing my fantasy novel and finish reading A Deadly Education, which I started reading in the hospital. I finally learned an easier way to knit the herringbone stitch, which is a textured knitting pattern. I love it!

Thanks, BHooked!

Thanks for reading,
Meghan B.

My Love for the German Language

Good evening, everyone!

Over the past few years, I’ve discovered German metal bands, and they have fueled my passion for the German language.

Rammstein has rock/electronic vibes, and writes powerful music you can jam out to in the car (or in your room).

Eisbrecker writes with a little more nod to Germany’s dark history, with the knowledge that in making these connections, you can help stop the past from happening again. Eisbrecker also turns German children’s nursery rhymes and songs into metal songs. I mean, that’s badass, right there. And a good way for me to learn German.

How did this language obsession start?

Easy: with one of my favorite adult novels, A Little Life. Jude knows German, French, and Latin. He’s one of favorite literary characters.

Also, one of my very good friends, Alex H., took German. So I’ll occasionally shoot him a text in what sliver of German I know, because why not? It’s fun!

I’m no Tolkien by far, but I do have a healthy interest in my German heritage. (I am also English, and a smattering of other things.)

But I’ve come to appreciate the power of words in other languages. There are things (phrases) you can say in other languages that can’t be expressed in American English.

I also love picking up on the meaning of words in German. It’s a lot of looking up the translations and memorizing the songs by good ol’ repetition–which is actually something I enjoy doing with music, by the way. I think it’s something to do with my autism and how my brain works.

I mean, that’s how I’ve memorized the original Broadway production of Les Misérablesand all of Blue October’s songs to date. It’s one of the (yes, slower) ways that I memorize things I’m passionate about.

Unlike my partner Rory, I do not have an eidetic memory, and tend to forget things or draw a blank on stuff. (Which is totally normal for me.)

German is a beautiful, rough-sounding language to me, especially since I’ve matured and know more than just Holocaust history–although knowing that particular part of German history is very important.

Someday, I want to go to Germany. (And England, and Japan, and Switzerland…) I want to experience different parts of the world first-hand.

I’m excited to hear different languages in their native countries, too! It just sounds like so much fun.

Thanks for reading,

Meghan B.

What do you need to know about yourself today so you can create your best self?

I snagged this journal prompt from the podcast “Writing Your Best Self”.

I need to know that I am strong and brave. I’ve recently been in the hospital for an intestinal blockage and am on the mend! I’m doing so much better than I was last week, when I was admitted.

I need to know that I am kind and sympathetic towards others. I genuinely care about other people, which helps me in my work life while I’m cashiering at my local Target. I feel for people when they are having a bad/tough day. I love it when I can brighten someone’s day at work or in my personal life by just being myself.

I am a highly sentimental person. Films like UP reminds me of the love my grandparents had for one another. Films like Max & Mary remind me of the power of friendship, as well as forming a life-long bond with someone who started out as a complete stranger in a telephone book. Anything Winnie the Pooh makes me cry because “the guys” were some of my first, most dearest, friends. (They still are.)

I am a very loyal person. I will never cheat on someone I’m in a relationship with because I don’t have it in me. I stand with and champion people who are seen as “different” because I believe that being different is what makes us more interesting and more caring towards others. Our differences make us unique, in every good way possible. If everyone were exactly the same, our world would be very boring indeed!

I’m an introvert who likes to be an extrovert from time to time. I love to hang out in my room, but I also love to hang out with my friends and family. I enjoy sharing the books, movies, and music I love so much with others.

I’m a dog lover. I have two sweet golden girls at home, Bentley (11) and Charlie (1). They are very funny at times!

Lastly, I am a creative person. I love to write, read, and knit. I’ve taken up bullet journaling again since last year and am really enjoying my new minimalist layout. Creating new characters and worlds are things that come to me naturally, since I’ve been writing for over ten years. Some ideas work, while others fall through. This past year, I not only finished writing a sci-fi novel, but started a fantasy/urban fantasy book. I’m on the last chapter of my fantasy novel at the moment. I’m looking forward to completing it when I get back home.

How would you respond to this journal prompt? Let me know in the comments section.

As always, thanks for reading!

Meghan B.

Les Miserables

“Another Story Must Begin”

This is one of my favorite plays. I’ve memorized all the songs, and know the story quite well. But one thing was missing: I hadn’t read the famous book yet.

A year ago now, I embarked on what was to be an epic journey: reading the translated English version of Les Miserables. Despite my obsession with the play, I’d never read the book until now.

The story is simple: a desperate young man tries to steal bread to help save his sister’s dying child. Jean Valjean gets caught, sent to prison, and endures hard labor. 20 years later, he’s on parol, and scrabbling to find a place in the world. In despair, he begins stealing. One day, a kindly bishop offers him food and lodging. Jean Valjean is shocked by his generosity, but steals from him in the end. The police catch him, and return him to the bishop’s house. Here is where the bishop offers Jean Valjean his expensive silver candlesticks, as yet another sign of his generosity. “You must use this precious silver to become an honest man,” the bishop tells Jean Valjean. (This is a line in the play.) Jean Valjean literally has a come to Jesus moment afterwards, perplexed by the bishop’s kindnesses and his religious advice.

Jean Valjean then vows to use the candlesticks to become a better person.

Similarities

What astounds me is how closely the play hits all the important parts of the novel. The most important scenes from the novel are in the play.

What I don’t mind leaving out are all of the long tangents and commentary that Victor Hugo presents throughout Les Misérables. A couple of them were kind of interesting–like the bit about wanting to start a second revolution–but most of them seemed to drag on forever. I ended up skipping the tangent about the sewers of Paris–that got gross pretty fast.

Overall, the important bits from the novel are in the Broadway play. Which is impressive, considering how much Hugo goes into depth about things.

Final Thoughts

The beauty of Jean Valjean’s story is that he tries to do the best he can to become a better person. This is mirrored in the play, and expounded upon in the novel.

Jean Valjean learns how to love an orphaned little girl named Cosette, after promising her mother on her deathbed that he would care for (and raise) her little girl. He also becomes the Mayor in a town, and does his best to help remain honest about his past identity as a convent.

In a moment of despair, Jean Valjean questions the kindly bishop’s words and generosity. But, after bargaining with God, he comes to realize that he must change in order to adhere to the bishop’s words: “You must use this precious silver/to become an honest man.” Meaning that he must use the candlesticks to better himself.

Les Misérables is a story of a life lived by performing good deeds. Les Misérables is a sad story at times, but also full of hope and love.

And of course, the music is amazing.

I’m so glad I finally read this classic novel!

Stickers, Stencils, & Washi-Tape, Oh My!

I’ve finally figured out how people have such lovely habit trackers in their bullet journals: they use stencils or stickers. I’m still somewhat new to everything bullet journal, since I’m getting better only recently in my bullet journaling.

Real Life

Wallace is a Black, queer student attending a Midwestern university. He’s “at odds” with everything in his life: his (vastly) White peers, and his friends. Wallace hasn’t escaped the trauma of his youth; he’s gone straight from Alabama to college. Here, he’s singled out because he’s Black, because he’s not straight, and because he’s made himself distant with everyone around him, for personal reasons. But, over a weekend, this changes. Wallace must confront his trauma and becomes an individual among his friends (as well as telling some of them what he really thinks). This is a novel “of profound and lacerating power, a story that asks if it’s ever really possible to overcome our private wounds, and at what cost” (from the dust jacket).

Saying Thank You to my Characters

Intro

For the past 11 months, I’ve been working on a fantasy/urban fantasy novel. My main character Judeaus (Jude for short) is the upcoming ruler of the realm Tarlimain. He’s readjusting to his life in his parents castle after a traumatic event. When his aunt and uncle and their adoptive son Desmond show up with the rest of their traveling caravan, Jude falls in love with the handsome young man, especially after Des saves his life. The two, though new to their relationship, end up traveling to the city together, embarking on a world-changing view for Jude, who has never been outside his home. When trouble arises in the city, when Jude is confronted with enemies old and new, he must rely on his inner strength, and his budding magical abilities, to save himself.

20 Things I did in my 20s

Birthday Girl Backstory

March 1 is my birthday. I can’t believe I’m turning 30! (Squeals.) The big 3-0 isn’t just another number to me, it’s a testament to surviving a very premature birth. I was lucky because I had only a few things go wrong because I was born so early. I was supposed to be born in the summer. Instead, I came 24 and a half weeks early.

I’m a Pear Shape Now, But a Happy Pear

I’ve always been a skinny girl. I say girl because lately as a woman, I’ve started gaining weight. One of my medications, which does cause weight gain, has done just that: caused me to put on some pounds. When I say some, I mean a steady rapid increase of 50 pounds.