I did a surprise proposal, & it went surprisingly well. Here’s the song lyrics & words of my own that I used to propose to the love of my life, Rory:
There’s something I can’t quite explain: I’m so in love with you/You never take that away
You’re never second best,
you’re my one, completely
Where you go,
I will follow you.
Where you go,
I’m going too.
You’re the love of my life. I can’t believe how fast six years has flown by. It’s a long time that feels—honestly—like nothing at all.
I want to spend six more years by your side. I want to spend six decades with you.
You lift me up whenever I’m down. You help me laugh even when I’m sleepy. You’ve loved me through rainy, cloudy days & through sunny ones.
I just want to know…Would you marry me?
Honestly, I thought that it would go well. We hadn’t really talked about it a whole lot, but we do want to marry each other someday. We’re just not quite ready to move in together, but we’re definitely ready to make the promise to marry each other one day.
I thought that I would make a go of it, and here I sit, in my kitchen at home, typing this, engaged to someone who has surprised me again and again. He’s funny, good-natured, and yet fights through depression and anxiety like I do. While his mental illness isn’t as bad as mine, he’s been with me through moments of sleeping through classes due to a medication. I honestly thought that we wouldn’t last past three months: my past relationships hadn’t, so how could this 18-year-old guy possibly stick with me?
Boy, did he prove me wrong. Rory made sure I got up to eat, and has supported me through my ups and downs. He’s not perfect–no one is–but he’s loved me through so much, especially early on. I would wake up at ridiculous hours, like 2, 3, 4 in the morning and get up and putter around because I was suddenly wide awake, feeling like I should be doing something. Then, finally tired, I’d crawl back into my lofted bed. (This was in college.)
At times, I felt like I should just break up with him. My mind still plays tricks on me like that, telling me that he’d be happier without me. Or that I’d feel better without him. Depression is strange like that, telling you that you should be alone and unhappy, when all you deserve is to be happy and together with the people you love the most.
Recently, my favorite band in the whole wide world (Blue October), put out an album that talks very openly about depression. It’s called This is What I Live For. While some of the songs are dark, there are some songs that highlight the hope and love that carries you through your depression. There are people in your life who will rally when you’re at your lowest–like your good friends, your family, and your partner–who will help lift you onto their shoulders. They will remind you that you’re worth it, and that you deserve to be happy. I’m very lucky to have a strong, consistent support system.
I’m thankful for my friends who’ve stuck with me through the years, including my new friends from college, my amazing family, and my amazing fiancé Rory James. He’s one of the reasons why I smile, why I feel so great. I am lucky to have medications that help stabilize my mood, but having people who will fight for me when I’m at my lowest is wonderful, too.
Fighting for the people I love is something I’m willing to do every day, because I have incredible people at my side.
I’m very excited to one day marry Rory, and help make the world a better, happier place with him at my side. He’s one of the people I fight for, and like Justin Furstenfeld (the lead singer of Blue October) I think that we should all fight for love and everything that it entails.